Spot, Slather, and Shrimp

* It is not necessary to use the garage door opener remote when backing up out of your spot at the grocery store... or at the mall, or at church, or when leaving a friend's driveway.

* The quickest way to find a paper cut on your hand is by slathering it in hand sanitizer.

* If you've never deveined shrimp, you may want to look up the proper procedure before spending 30 minutes cutting out the wrong vein on a bowl full of shrimp.

A Good Friend

* A good friend is one who follows you around on your errands even when she doesn't have to =) I had lunch with a friend at the mall yesterday. Since I was already there, I figured it would be the perfect time to run some errands. I needed to return a pair of jeans, look for pants and a shirt for my son, and get a new phone charger. Nothing at all exciting. During lunch I mentioned the errands I was planning on running and told my friend she certainly didn't need to join me. After we finished lunch she seemed game to come along on my errands, she even helped me look through piles of jeans for my son's size (if you know where I can find a 29x34 let me know!).  I was touched that she'd run these boring errands with me. I kept telling her she really didn't need to follow along, but she kept me company anyway. It wasn't until after the second or third store I remembered... I'd driven her to the mall.

Padc = Purse

* It hit me what "receipt padc" means! (If confused, check out entry just before this one.) I had lunch with some friends a couple weeks back and as we were leaving the waiter hurried over asking if I could sign the receipt. I was a little confused as I remembered signing the receipt. Turns out, after filling it out I'd put it in my purse instead of back in the little black padded folder thing. Oops!

Shopping, Scrolling, and Sharing

* When arriving home from shopping, it's recommended to bring the groceries inside with you.

*The scrolling bar on the side of your computer screen does not control the volume.

* You should probably write legibly when jotting down notes about tips you want to share. I will forever be scratching my head over "receipt padc" and "crossing street (black fwhunfe)".

Nose, Nowhere, None

* If you're even the slightest bit congested, do not laugh through your nose.

* The elevator cannot read your mind; you will go nowhere very slowly if you don't tell it where you wish to go.

* If you're planning on having leftovers for dinner you should probably make sure there are some.

Who Needs a Clean House?

* You’d think vacuuming the basement would be an easy task. Well, even I can screw that one up! I went upstairs and grabbed the vacuum cleaner, but decided I should empty its canister first. As I was walking into the kitchen I saw my phone laying on the counter… the phone I’d forgotten to charge the night before. So I plugged in my phone and ran down the stairs to vacuum. Of course, as soon as I got down there I realized I’d left the vacuum upstairs. So up the stairs I go, grab the vacuum, and head back down the stairs…. when I remembered the canister still needed to be emptied. There isn’t an appropriate trash can for emptying the canister in the basement, so back up the stairs it is. Can I count this as my morning workout?

Just Trying to Help

* I offered to take dinner to a friend on a strict milk-free, gluten-free diet. I figured baked chicken would be a safe meal to take in along with gravy, vegetables, and salad. I was pretty proud of myself for knowing how to make chicken gravy from scratch without using milk and thought that would go perfectly. However, it wasn’t until I finished making the gravy I realized that, although it did not contain milk, it did contain flour. Why was I thinking only wheat flour had gluten?! I assumed I was safe with the vegetables, however, I was wrong on that front as well. The precooked and seasoned vegetables I was cooking turned out to be coated in a yummy smelling cream sauce… the main ingredient being milk. Ack! Even with all my errors I somehow managed to deliver a milk-free, gluten-free dinner more or less on time. Of course, an hour later I was told by a mutual friend that the meal was also supposed to be organic. Some days I just can’t win!

Bryan's Tip

If you decide to feed the cat in the dark, at least make sure you're putting it in his food bowl and not his water bowl.

Pay Attention

* Pay attention to what account you order your ebooks from or they’ll appear on your husband’s kindle instead of your own.

* Remembering to put dinner in the crock pot will do you no good if you forget to plug it in.

Cats and Computers

* There are many reasons why you should have your child clean up their snack while away on vacation. “So the cat won’t get into it,” is not one of them if you left him at home.

 * If you ban a child from electronics, you may want to hide all spare parts as well. Otherwise you may find him playing Minecraft on a briefcase computer he built using components laying around the house.

Yup.

* You can stop waving back at the car in front of you. It’s not a kid saying hello, it’s a dog wagging its tail.

* It’s best to take your Nyquil before brushing your teeth.

* After grating cheese, the cheese goes back into the fridge, not the grater.

Seriously?!

* I decided to buy a new car when Hubby was out of town. It was a stressful afternoon, but I succeeded. When I got home I needed to sit down for a while and let all the anxiety fall away. But after a couple minutes I noticed the clock and realized my daughter had an ice skating lesson in 10 minutes… and the rink was 15 minutes away. Ack! She changed and grabbed her gear and out to the car we went… to find it locked. My kids had run to check out the car while I was de-stressing and had accidentally locked the doors. Of course, both sets of keys were safely locked inside. Urgh. At least since Hubby was out of town his car was available. I grabbed his keys and off we went.

     As we were finally on our way I realized my daughter was going to be 15 minutes late to her 30 minute lesson. Ouch. I called her instructor who, thankfully, understood and rescheduled for later in the week. So instead of driving to ice skating lessons we drove to the dealership. They got a great laugh at my expense. I doubt they’d had anybody lock themselves out of their car within 30 minutes of purchasing it. Thankfully they were able to give me a dummy key to unlock the doors. Whew!

     The first thing I did when we got home was unlock the car and take the keys out. Then it was time for a much needed break as my stomach was in all sorts of anxious knots. I laid on the couch and called my sister to relay the afternoon’s stresses. I was halfway through the story when I realized my daughter had another ice skating lesson we were about to be late for! Not kidding! (She was getting ready for an ice skating show, so she had one private lesson for her solo and one lesson for the group number - both on the same night and at different rinks.) I barely got her to the ice in time. I didn’t care who was watching, I laid on the bench right in the middle of everything, tried to relax, and swore Hubby would be in charge of future car purchases.

Ann's tip

Don't immediately freak out if after putting your car in park it feels like you're still moving. Just might be that there is a car driving through the spot next to you!

Volume & Van

*The scrolling bar on the side of your computer screen does not control the volume.

* When walking up to your car in the parking lot, don’t freak out if you see people in your car. They’re probably just a reflection of the people painted on the van next to you.

Store, Shirt, and Squish

* Your purse isn’t going to do you a whole lot of good if you are at the grocery store and it is in your husband’s car at the tire shop.

* Check the mirror thoughtfully before heading out for the evening, you may just have your shirt on backwards.

* If your doormat seems a little squishier than usual, you may be stepping on a snake.

Bowl & Bounce

* When moving, it may be wise to double- and triple-check the microwave. Weeks after vacating you may find a forgotten bowl of oatmeal inside.

* Oh my heck. Two mornings in a row I had cars flashing their lights at me the entire drive back home after dropping my girls off at school. I didn’t know how on earth I could’ve annoyed them or what I could be doing wrong. It wasn’t until a few days later I realized the cars hadn’t been flashing me, they’d just been going over bumps making their headlights bounce.

Stephanie's Tip

If the volume on your laptop seems to be broken and the volume won't come up above what seems to be a distant whispering level, it could be because you plugged your new headphones into the laptop so you could listen to things without disturbing your coworkers.

Surprise!

* When unpacking, remember to unpack all your bags. It is not pleasant to find a carry-on full of left-over travel food from your last family trip.

* You should not be surprised to find your husband’s car missing when driving into the garage, especially if you’re driving back with him after dropping it off at the shop.

* When transferring milk from one container to another (because you accidentally bought skim milk and don’t want the kids to know), remember that when poured quickly through a funnel milk will foam up and overflow just like root beer. 

Erin's Story

Truth be told, I've never been great at walking gracefully in heels. In fact, even now in my 30s, I wear flats almost every Sunday because it's just better for everybody that way :D

So back when I was 15 it was popular to wear platform heels. My family had just moved to a new state and on one of the first Sundays at church I decided to wear my super cute platform heels with an A-line dress. Our Sunday School class was meeting on the stage because all the classrooms were occupied. Everything was just fine until it was time to leave. As I started going down the 5 steps from the stage, my heel slipped on something and I fell down, landing on my butt. Then proceeded to bounce down each step, my dress sliding higher and higher with each step, until I reached the bottom and my dress might as well have been nonexistent. Oh, and did I mention that the only 3 boys my age at church were walking behind me and saw the whole thing?! Yeah, that was fun. I never wore those shoes again!

App, Attention, and Already

* Your kindle app is not implying you’re reading at an emergent reader pace when it says “Learning reading speed,” it is simply stating that it is learning your reading speed.

* If your shirt is garnering a lot of attention, you may have forgotten to cut off the tags.

* No matter how hard you try, you will not be able to turn on a light that is already on.

Where is my brain?!

My son had prom this past weekend, which reminded me of my most embarrassing moment as a teenager; it’s probably the one that started it all. I was fourteen and with my friends at a dance. I always felt awkward and self-conscious; so nervous no one would ask me to dance. At one point during the evening I was awkward-middle-school-slow-dancing with some random guy. We were having a lovely conversation, but I kept being distracted by my friends who were making kissy faces and “right on!” gestures. I didn’t know what they were so excited about. This guy was cute, but not that cute. As we finished dancing he told me he had a friend that would probably like to dance with me, too. Sure enough, before I’d even gotten back to my friends another guy asked me to dance. Cool! I started slow dancing with him and tried to make conversation, but he seemed very uncomfortable. And, just like before, my friends were seriously distracting. They were jumping all around and making wild gestures and kissy faces. I was so confused! It probably wasn’t until about half way through the song I realized what all the excitement was about. It was a fast song. I had initiated slow dancing to a fast song! ...And the last song had been a fast one, too. ACK! Oh my heck!

(Yes. This is me getting ready for a dance way back in the day...) 

Whip, Wheelbarrow, and Whoops!

* Absolutely do not substitute Miracle Whip for mayonnaise when making mayonnaise cookies. (Yes, there is such a thing and they are yummy! Recipe in comment section)

* Before lending your wheelbarrow to a group of youth doing community service, you should probably make sure that both tires aren’t flat.

* The brake is on the left and the gas is on the right. If you get these mixed up you may find yourself driving through a fence in your brand new car.

Mosquito, Mess, and Moon

* You may want to pay more attention to the car driving in front of you than the mosquito flying around your head.

* When packing the RV for a trip, safely stow the gallon of oil in a cupboard. If you just set it on the counter it may very well fly off at the first bump, break open, and gush out all over the floor.

* Do not leave your diary on the airplane when heading off for your honeymoon unless you want a lot of snickers from the airport employees when they give it back to you a week later.

Cry, Concentrated, and Contact

* When trying to get a decent picture of your kids and their cousins, accidentally making your son cry will not help.

* If your baby has been projectile vomiting all day, you may want to make sure you’re diluting the concentrated formula you’ve been feeding him.

* You do not need to send your friend her daughter’s contact information, especially since she asked you to text her your daughter’s information. 

I Cannot Be Trusted

Oh my heck. So Hubby decided to take me to see comedic magicians last week. Now, I get anxious at magic shows and for comedians so why he decided I'd enjoy them both at the same time is beyond me... but he was right. Oh my heck, it was a fabulous evening! Laughed so hard I cried, saw some incredible slight-of-hand tricks, and even acquired a new embarrassing moment story to share. So everyone's a winner =) The first magician (John Shryock... amazing!) was doing a trick where he was asking A LOT of audience members to remember cards and after everyone had chosen cards he'd guess/find/reveal/whatever each card in a pretty amazing way. He chose my row to come down, asking each person to tell him when to stop flipping through the deck to find the card they'd have to remember. I was clear at the other end and as he got closer and closer I got more and more nervous because, come on people, do you really think I'd be able to remember a specific card under all that pressure?! When he got to me I actually told him he should ask the people behind me because I just knew I'd forget my card. A few laughs later he assured me I could do it... and enlisted the audience to help me just in case ;) So he started flipping through the cards and kept flipping and flipping and flipping... all the way to the end of the deck. Oops. I'd been so nervous about forgetting my card I hadn't remembered to pick one! Everyone had a great laugh over that one. I'm pleased to say he gave me another chance and I was quite successful in choosing *and* remembering my card =) Apparently that was a memorable moment because after the show (an hour and another magician later) I saw him in the foyer and he congratulated me for remembering my card LOL

Did ya miss me? ;-)

* You know you need to wake up when you stop at a green light.

* Sleeping in is made infinitely more difficult when you forget to turn off the pre-set alarm.

* If you keep your kitty litter box in the basement, the cat will find it easier to use if the door to the basement is left open.

Greetings! Yes, I know, I normally don't blog on the weekends. Just wanted to warn you that I'm going to be without my computer for the next few days. Since I haven't yet figured out how to blog from my phone I wanted to give you a heads up that I may be MIA for a bit. To tide you over I'll leave you with one tip to consider:

* When sharing a caramel popcorn recipe with a friend, there is a big difference between 6 cups and 6 quarts of popped corn.

Conversation, Carton, and Call

* Don't get involved in a texting conversation when you've got tortillas cooking on a hot griddle.

* You should probably not vigorously shake the milk carton if it's already open.

* Texting your husband will do no good if he called from work two minutes ago to tell you he left his cell phone at home.

Feel, Friends, and Flight

*If you feel a lot of grit when shampooing your hair, you may be using your exfoliating body wash.

* You should probably make sure you're not on your husband's account when requesting old high school friends on Facebook.

* I cannot suggest wearing jeans with large buttons on the back pockets for a 7 hr flight, unless, of course, you want quarter-sized bruises on your rear end.

Cat, Club, and Clothes

* If you hear a rattling noise coming from inside the bathroom cupboard, don't immediately assume you've got a ghost... you may have accidentally shut the cat in there earlier.

* When ordering a book for book club, the graphic novel edition is probably not the one you want.

* Before starting the washing machine, you may want to make sure you've actually put a load of clothes inside.

When...

* When leaving the house, you should grab your cell phone *not* the house phone.

* When registering your child for the SATs, make sure he is available on the day you are requesting. When you realize there's a conflict (30 seconds after submitting said registration), you will be charged a $27.50 late fee.

* When your car refuses to go very fast, you may want to check that you didn't leave the parking brake on.

Bath, Button, and Brush

* It's best to remove your watch and any jewelry before dipping your hand in a hot paraffin wax bath.

* When already exhausted from treadmill walking at a steep incline, hitting the "6 mph" button instead of the "6% incline" button is not recommended.

* When chaperoning an overnight field trip, it's important to remember exactly where you put your toothbrush or you may accidentally end up using your roommate's.

Pants, Plug, and Play

* If you can't find the pants you were planning on wearing to yoga, it's very possible you're already wearing them.

* When plugging in your phone to charge, make sure the cord is also plugged into the wall.

* If you're playing the organ in church make sure to keep an extra book or two handy. You may need them to hold the pages of your hymn book open when the ceiling fan unexpectedly kicks on and your pages start flying.

Soooo Close!

I've been wanting to put some sort of design on our stairs ever since moving in five years ago, but I couldn't quite figure out what. Books? Playing mice? Cool quote? And then yesterday I had an epiphany... Star Wars!! (Cue Stars Wars theme song...)

Have to admit, I was feeling pretty proud of myself for coming up with this. Unfortunately, it wasn't until after I unveiled the awesomeness to my husband that I realized my mistake... the type is supposed to be justified! AGH! How could I have forgotten?! That's what I get for googling the words and not the image! But kudos to hubby (the actual Star Wars fan in the house) for not pointing out my mistake. Yep, he's a keeper =) I'm wondering how long it's going to bug me before I have to redo it? Ah well. Hubby and kids love it, so I guess I'll enjoy the near-awesomeness for at least a little while ;-)

Make it Stop!

When I started my masters degree I had to watch quite a few online tutorials. Each of the tutorials had the same horrible background music. After listening to just the first two videos I couldn't take it anymore... the music was seriously giving me a headache. Even turned down as low as possible, the pitch alone was enough to make my ears bleed.  I tried using the subtitles only option, but it was really hard to read the print while following the little tutorial cursor on the screen at the same time, so I had to turn the sound back on. Oh my goodness, the music was just awful!

I finally couldn't take it anymore so I tried connecting with my mentor to ask if there was a way to turn off the obnoxious music. Of course, she was away from her desk, so I just waited and tried to deal with it a while longer.

Eventually I figured out that the music couldn't be coming from the tutorials... but where could it be coming from?! So I started closing all my open windows until, finally, I discovered what was making that horrid music... it was my Bubble Spinner game! (Hey, no judging! For those of you who've never tried Bubble Spinner, be warned, it can be rather addictive! I dare you to beat me, though ;-)  I can't remember my best score, but I believe the highest level I got to was somewhere around 35. Trust me, that's impressive! ...and super sad LOL)

Oh my heck, I was so glad my  mentor wasn't available when I called to complain about the background music! Can you imagine how embarrassing that conversation would've been? Haha!

Target, Tuner, and Turn

* If you choose to leave your archery target outside, don't be surprised if a bear stops by to destroy it.

* Make sure you're on the right octave when tuning a violin with an electronic tuner. It really hurts when a violin string snaps on you.

* Pay very close attention if the recipe you're following requires a page turn, unless you want to start following the wrong recipe 3/4 of the way through. (Yes, the first thing I thought of when I realized my error was that episode of "Friends." At least my two recipes were for main dishes! LOL)

Switch, Search, and Scrapbook

* No matter how hard you hit it, the light switch will not turn off the vacuum cleaner.

* Make sure you have taken *all* groceries out of the bags before throwing them away, or you may find yourself missing a key ingredient when trying to make dinner.

* Make sure your online scrapbook is completely done saving before closing the site.

I am not a Terrorist

* If you have a full cylindrical coin bank in your carry-on bag, don't be surprised when airport security becomes very alarmed. They are confident you've got a gun in your bag.

* I bet you're asking yourself why on earth would there be a coin bank in my carry-on. (And, no, this is not a picture of *my* bank - mine was black - this is a random photo I found on-line.) The boring truth is, we were moving and I'd forgotten to pack it, of course. Oh my heck, it was really so funny. The security guard totally started freaking out over my bag. I tried to tell him it was my coin bank and he was like, "Oh no, that is *not* a bank!" He radioed for back up and Hubby and I were trying not to laugh. So they finally got my bag to a place they could rummage through it to find the gun and bomb. Bomb? Oh, yeah, the phone was in there, too. No, not my *cell* phone... the *house* phone. You know, the big brick that plugs into the wall and the receiver is attached to the base with a coiled wire? Yep. I told you, we were moving... everything we'd needed that morning got thrown into my carry-on. I'm sure there were kitchen utensils and extension cords in there, too LOL. So, yeah, security was pulling out all sorts of weird stuff and kept giving me quizzical looks... and then they got to the bank. Poor security guard, he totally deflated! I felt kind-of bad for him. We were at a tiny airport and this was probably the most exciting thing to happen in his entire career. He was sure he'd caught a hijacker or something, and it turned out to just be some crazy lady with her house in a bag. I wonder if he still tells this story, too? LOL

You Must Be Tired

*It's probably a good idea to make sure your camera is in the camera bag when you grab it for your trip to Hawaii.

* You know you're tired if you try putting a second pair of underwear on *over* your pants.

Tyler's Tip

The racket coming from the bedroom upstairs is not an intruder hyped up on PCP, it's your cat who was accidentally left inside.

Teaching Young Kids to Conduct Music

Sorry, I'm not going to share a blunder today because I had a FABULOUS idea! Well, I think it's fabulous, anyway =) I have recently been asked to take over music time for the 3-11 yr olds at church on Sundays. I am so excited! I know it's important to keep them active and engaged as I'm teaching new songs, so I figured I'd frequently have them come up and help me conduct. However, if they're going to be up there "conducting," why not teach them how to actually *conduct*! Genius!

Conducting can be daunting, even for adults, but I realized each pattern has a simple coordinating shape. For example, 3/4 is a triangle, 4/4 could be a square (yes, it could also be a triangle, but I didn't want to use the same shape and confuse the poor kiddos), and everything else can fit into a crescent.  At first I thought I would have the kids just visualize these shapes floating in front of them, but then... *epiphany*... why not create the shapes! That way the kids can *see* each conducting pattern and the child helping can easily put their hand inside the shape for guidance until they've got the pattern down.

(Just to give an idea of size, the square is nearly 2 feet across)

At first I'll demonstrate: Holding the shape up with my left hand, I'll put my right arm inside the shape and show the corresponding conducting pattern. As each child is given a turn to come up to conduct I'll hold the shape for them so they can put their arm inside and try out the pattern. After they get the hang of the pattern I will take the shape away and they can continue conducting on their own. Voila!

4/4: The Square: Start in the top center, go straight down (1), bounce once to the left corner (2), bounce once to the right corner (3), and swoop back up to the top center (4).

3/4: The Triangle: Start at the top, slide straight down to the corner (1), bounce once to the other corner (2), and swoop back up to the top (3).

2/2, 2/4, 6/4, 6/8: When in doubt The Crescent will work: Start at the top and swoop to the other side (1) and back up (2). Easy peasy!

 4/4 Square, 3/4 Triangle, & Crescent Conducting Patterns

I had my own kiddos test out my method and they thought it was a pretty fun and simple way to learn the basic conducting patterns. And it didn't hurt that I came up with some seriously silly conducting batons for the kids to use while learning =)

Anyhoo, just thought I'd share.
I promise tomorrow I'll get back to sharing my blunders ;-)

Out, On, and Organ

* The little cheese packet in the macaroni and cheese box should be taken out *before* dumping the contents of said box into a pan of boiling water.

* No matter how many times you push it, the "on" button on your house phone will not turn on the television.

* If you arrive to church three minutes early and no one is playing the organ, chances are it was your turn.

Squeeze, Speak, and Send

* It doesn't matter how hard you squeeze the container, dish soap won't come out if the cap is still on.

* Don't speak ill of a former college professor unless you know for certain your current teacher isn't his wife.

* When ordering something online, take note of the mailing address. You could accidentally be sending items to your parents in Georgia instead of your home in Alaska.

Car, Concert, and Keys

* You probably shouldn't start your car and let it warm up for 20 minutes if it's already running on empty.

* Before agreeing to accompany the 6th grade orchestra concert on the piano, and certainly before practicing with them for a week, it would be wise to make sure your flight out of state doesn't leave in the middle of the concert.

* If you are the apartment manager (and, therefore, keeper of all extra keys), it's not a good idea to lock yourself out of your apartment... at midnight... on Christmas Eve.

Ridiculous, Rain, and Razor

* You may want to look down at your feet before heading to the airport for a trip. Otherwise you may find yourself wearing slippers a lot longer than you'd intended.

* If you decide to prune your bushes in the rain, make sure your raincoat is, in fact, waterproof.

* Do not use your finger to wipe your razor clean.

Plymouth, Play Practice, and Paraffin

* If you're driving your father-in-law around in your new car, you won't be able to convince him it's a Plymouth if it says "Pontiac" on the steering wheel.

* You do not have to rush to pick your daughter up from play practice when she's already at home... which you should know since you talked with her when she first walked in the door.

* Oh my heck. Okay, so I do daily hot paraffin wax treatments on my hands/wrists to help alleviate arthritis pain. (That makes me sound so old LOL) I've got a pretty good routine: after dinner I go into the bathroom where I keep the wax melter thingamajigger, dip my hands a few times, and then come out to the family room and watch TV for a bit while my hands soak in the warmth for about ten minutes before peeling off the wax (was that the longest sentence ever, or what?!). Twice now I've dipped my hands in the paraffin and turned to leave the bathroom to find that I've shut and locked the door behind me. Do you know how hard it is to open a door without using your hands? I'm sure I look plenty entertaining while trying!

Title Schmitle

* If you've waited too long for the automatic doors to open, they're probably not automatic.

* When needing a 30 minute timer, it is better to use the timer function than the cooking function on the microwave.

* That flicker of movement behind you is not a stalker... it's your hair.

Bears Before Beans

* If you've been craving gummy bears for days and finally give in and buy a bag, you may not want to leave them in the car for three hours when it's 95 degrees outside.

* Before taping up a box for mailing, make sure the shipping label isn't inside.

* If your bean plants aren't growing as quickly as they normally do, they might be cucumbers.

Below, Beneath, and Borrow

* Using the remote car starter to warm up your car isn't going to do a whole lot of good if it's seven below and you've left one of the windows open.

* If your first grader tells you the toilet is running, check it *now*. If you're lucky it will have rained recently and the dentist office and dry cleaners beneath your apartment will blame the water damage on that. (FYI, I did fess up, but the owners insisted it was caused by rain because it had happened before... granted, the toilet had overflowed before, too!)

* When borrowing a friend's car it's wise to remember that their garage door opener will not open your garage door.

Smudge, Sanitizer, and Slippers

* If the mascara smudge on your mirror appears to move when you look up close, it might be a spider.

* The bottle of hand sanitizer on your desk is not your water bottle.

* It's advantageous to take your slippers off before attempting to put your shoes on.

Finals and Fog

* When booking reservations for a family vacation, you should probably make sure you haven't scheduled it during your kids' finals week at school.

* Oh my heck; it was so foggy the other day! Now, really, that statement gives no justice to how extremely foggy it was, so let me paint you a picture...
    At 6:00 pm (so it was *dark* outside) I went to drive out of my garage. I put the car in reverse and checked my back-up camera to make sure nothing was in the way as I backed up... couldn't see a thing! ...but that was because the back-up camera was super dirty. Checked the rear-view mirror and all I saw was a film of white dirt on the back window. (Hey, the roads have been super muddy lately!) So I cleaned the window. Didn't do a thing! That's when I realized I wasn't looking at dirt, I was looking at a seriously dense wall of fog outside! As I began backing out I decided I just had to see this thick fog with my own two eyes. I turned my head to look behind me and realized it wasn't a wall of fog afterall... it was my garage door. OOPS! Thankfully I stopped the car just in time to miss the door... but just barely.

Buying Cars and Clearasil

* When taking your son to buy new shoes, make sure he is actually wearing shoes. Otherwise, you'll find yourself in the men's shoe department trying on shoes for him while he's stuck in the car.

* It does not matter how long you run it, your car's heater will not work if the engine won't start.

* If your toothpaste isn't foaming up as usual, you may be using Clearasil.

Toy Time

*  Before calling the manufacturer of your child's new toy and lecturing them on its inferior quality and refusal to work as advertised, you may want to take it out of "test mode."

*  No matter how many times you swipe it, your Safeway card will not work at Costco.

*  When answering a FaceTime call, it is not recommended to put the phone up to your ear.

Sticks and Signals

*  If you have lip balm that is similar in size to a glue stick, you may not want to keep them in the same compartment in your desk.

* Heading to the vault for this one... I was most excited for my 16th birthday because that meant I could finally get my driver's license. Freedom! The test administrator escorted me to the back of the lot and instructed me to get into the vehicle and unroll my window. He then stood out of my line of sight and asked me to show him my right turn signal. I was so glad I'd read up on hand signals! So I stuck my arm out the window and showed him a right turn signal. He then asked to see my left turn signal and I obliged in the same manner. I was feeling pretty confident as I waited for him to ask me to show him "stop." Because, of course, I knew that one, too! Yea me! =) Instead, he asked me to press on the brake. I was kind-of bummed, but did as he requested. I heard a quizzical sounding, "hmm," and then he, again, asked to see my right turn signal. Again, I stuck my arm out the window and showed him. At this point the instructor and my mother erupted in laughter as they realized I'd been using hand signals instead of the car's turn signals. Once the instructor explained what he meant for me to do, I flew through the inspection and passed my driver's test with flying colors... 100% to be exact, thankyouverymuch. But for weeks I couldn't figure out why he'd ask me to roll down the window if he didn't want to see my hand signals.

Book, Beams, and Bag

*  If the next chapter in the book you're reading is entitled, "Acknowledgements," you've reached the end of the book.

*  The person driving in front of you will not be happy if you confuse your windshield cleaner with your high beams.

*  If neither end of the trash bag will open, you might be trying to open the side.

Raining Ridiculous Recipes

*  If it starts raining in your car while you're going through the car wash, your sun roof may be open just a smidge.

*  Before cutting into a pattern it's a good idea to make sure you bought the correct size. Although, even if you hadn't cut into it already, once you unfold it there's no fitting it back into that little envelope, anyway.

*The new recipe you used for dinner may have tasted pretty good, but it included grated apples. Isn't your son allergic to apples?

Alarm and Ack!

*  If your alarm clock stays on after you’ve unplugged it, it is not possessed. You unplugged the lamp.

*  We’d lived in our current house about three years when I decided it was time to test out our Jacuzzi tub (what can I say? I’m more of a shower person). I turned on the hot water, left for a few minutes and when I came back found all sorts of icky dust and whatnot floating in the water. Guess it had been a while since I’d last rinsed the tub out! So I turned off the water, drained the tub, rinsed it all out, and turned on the hot water again. A few minutes later I came to check on things and there was no water in the tub… I’d forgotten to close the drain! Urgh. Okay, one more try. Closed the drain, turned on the hot water and returned ten minutes later to a beautifully filling bath tub. Got myself all ready, stepped inside, and…. *cold* water! Apparently, in my other attempts to fill the tub I’d used up all the hot water. Grumble, grumble. However, I was determined to take a bath, so I waited an hour or so before trying again. This time, perfection! As I finally laid in the hot bath I relaxed immediately… and then turned on the jets. Are you aware that if you haven’t used the jets in a tub for a while they tend to collect disgustingness? And did I mention I hadn’t used this tub in the three years we’d lived in the house? Yup. Within a moment all that disgustingness was swirling and bubbling around me. ACCCKKKKK! I think I’ll stick to showers.

Putting it in its Place

*  The dryer is not the best place for your favorite wool cardigan.

*  You might want to inspect your bucket for cracks before putting it under a leaky pipe and neglecting to check it for two days.

*  I cannot recommend jogging in place while brushing your teeth.

Skirt, Similar, and SUV

*  If your snow skirt isn't fitting quite right, you may have put it on upside down.

*  When purchasing ingredients for a recipe, it is important to note that whipping cream and whipped cream are *not* the same thing.

*  Make sure your SUV's back hatch is closed before backing out of the garage. With your luck it will get caught and cause costly damage.

Silence and Stolen

*  My husband is working nights this week, so I've been trying to get the kids up and ready quietly. After dropping my girls off at school I honked at someone for cutting me off. I immediately felt guilty. Not for honking at the driver (he so deserved it!) but because I'd made a loud noise and was afraid it would wake up my husband. Yes, my husband, who was sleeping a mile away!  Due to my frequent pangs of guilt,  the entire drive home I was continually reminding myself the honk couldn't have woken him up.

*  I have a remote car starter (LOVE it!). The remote has a feature that if anyone tries to enter my car without my remote it will make a ton of beeping noises. For example, if I'm sitting in a quiet church meeting and my husband remembers he left something in the car, when he gets into the car using his key, my remote will go haywire. Good times.
   So I was in Michael's with my girls and my remote started beeping. Someone was trying to get into my car! I told my girls to wait inside the store while I went out to check it out. When I got outside I could see exhaust coming out the back of my car. I figured I must have accidentally turned on the car and that's what all the beeping had been about. I looked down at the remote to see if I could see the cute little animation that says the car is running, but it was too dark to tell. When I looked back up I saw white reverse lights on my car! What the heck?! I continued walking towards my car when it started to back up. Not kidding you! There were these two sketchy looking guys in. my. car! By then I was nearing the middle of the aisle and my car was just about finished backing up. My plan was to plant myself in front of my car to make them stop (in retrospect, that probably wasn't a good idea). I'd just arrived in the center of the aisle and the guys in my car had just finished backing up when I saw *my* car parked two spots away. Oops!

Dropped Dishwasher Dress

*  If you drop your chapstick while running on the treadmill, I would suggest coming to a complete stop before turning around to pick it up.

*  You know you're tired when halfway through loading the dishwasher you start to unload it.

*  When making a dress for your daughter, it is best to measure her when she's *not* wearing a bulky hoodie.

Stop Scary Snacks

*  The tiny stop signs occasionally placed alongside bike paths are not intended for those driving cars.

*  Make sure your cat isn't hiding in your bedroom when you shut the door for the night.  Odds are he'll jump on you moments after you've fallen asleep.

*  If you frequently hide snacks in your oven, remember to remove them before turning it on.

Door, Dessert, and D'oh!

*  If your teenagers won't open their hotel room door even after persistent knocking, you may be pounding on the wrong door. The "Do Not Disturb" sign should have been your first clue.

*  If it is your responsibility to bring plates and utensils to family dessert night, you may want to make sure you have the time and location correct.

*  Instead of sighing with relief that you've finally finished addressing all the invitations for a friend's baby shower, you may be sighing because you've put the stamps and return address labels in the wrong corners.

Plants and Pianos

*  Before getting excited over a new shoot growing in one of your indoor plants, you need to remember that it is a fake plant.

* Oh my heck. Oh. My. Heck! I am often asked to play the piano for various church meetings. There is a cool electronic piano in one of the side rooms we frequently use. You can make it sound like a piano or an organ and it has many of our hymns programmed to play at the push of a button. I've never liked electronic pianos and this one definitely wasn't my favorite. It always had issues with volume control. Sometimes it was a lot louder than others even though I used the same volume setting every time. About three years ago the volume stopped working all together. I would have the volume turned all the way up, but the piano could barely be heard. I had to pound on the keys to make it loud enough for everyone to hear. I asked and asked for someone to come out and fix it and finally, after two months, it was working again. Fast forward to last Sunday. I was asked to play the prelude in a meeting and the volume wasn't working. I had flashbacks to the last time it was broken and knew it would take another couple months before we could get someone out to fix it. As I was playing, a friend came over and asked if I could turn the volume up. I explained that the volume knob was as high as it would go and there was nothing I could do to make it louder. And then she proceeded to point out a foot pedal at the base of the piano, one an organist might use to control the volume. What?! I'd been playing this piano for five years and had never noticed the pedal! This was the cause of all my volume frustrations as it controlled the volume knob I had been using. If the pedal was all the way down then no matter how high I turned the knob, it wouldn't get any louder. And now I'm thinking back to three years ago... how many times did a repairman come out due to my complaints only to find absolutely nothing wrong? Oh my heck! LOL

Mail and the Munchies

*  When sending out Christmas cards from your new home, it's not recommended to use your cell phone number in place of your house number in the return address.

*  If you get yourself a snack for the drive home, you probably shouldn't stow it in the back with the rest of the groceries.

Cailey's Tip

Your bass lesson will go much more smoothly if you remember to bring your bow.

Meetings and Midnight

*  If you're the only one at an 8:30 meeting, it is very possible you got your a.m.'s and p.m.'s mixed up.

*  One night I was awakened by a scratching noise outside the window. Thankfully, I had enough sense to realize it couldn't be an intruder because why on earth would someone scale a ladder 3 stories to break into my home when they could just go through a window on the ground level? But still, it got me thinking about what I would do if there were an intruder in my home... I was home alone, I hadn't set up the phone in my bedroom yet, my cell phone was downstairs, etc. I started making myself a little nervous! As I was trying to get back to sleep I felt something move on my bed... kind-of like a cat moving about trying to get comfortable... except we didn't have a cat. Freaked. Me. Out! I bolted straight up in bed and was frantically trying to figure out what could've made that movement when a hand grabbed my arm! Oh. My. Heck!! I nearly had a heart attack! Took me a solid second to realize it was my husband. Why had I been thinking I was home alone? He had been sleeping next to me the entire time! I am such a dork.

Melissa's Tip

Before freaking out that the bright purple play-doh is missing and moving all the furniture to find it, make sure you aren't holding it in your hand.

Bottles, Babies, and Baths

*  Before giving your daughter a hard time for losing yet another water bottle, make sure it wasn't you who misplaced it.


*  Even if by accident, it is not good form to regift the baby clothes your mother gave you. It is quite possible you will realize your mistake at the very moment she's looking through all the baby's new clothes.


*  If you've scrubbed your daughter's hair for 20 minutes and the colorful hairspray refuses to come out, you may be washing her hair with conditioner.

Shower, Shushing, and... Shoot!

*  The knob in your shower does not work like the knob on your stereo. If you're trying to drown out the noisy children outside your bathroom door, cranking up the knob will not make the water louder... it will only make it hotter. Much hotter.

*  When shushing your child at the store, make sure said child is actually yours.

*  One morning I got home after dropping the kids off at school and realized my garage door opener wouldn't work. Thankfully my husband was home and could let me in. I grabbed my cell phone to call him so he could open the garage door for me (yes, I am *that* lazy) and realized I had left my cell phone inside charging. Shoot. So I got out of the car and rang the doorbell. No answer. Urgh. Hubby must be in the shower. I knew no other doors into the house were unlocked, so I went back to my car to think a while as to how to handle the situation. I was totally kicking myself for forgetting my phone... I could've watched a show or played some games while I waited for hubby to get out of the shower. If it weren't for the fact I hadn't showered yet and was wearing sweats and slippers I would've run to a friend's house to wait out his shower or go to Fred Meyer real quick and get a new battery for the garage door opener... and then it hit me... I had a key to the house!