Book, Beams, and Bag

*  If the next chapter in the book you're reading is entitled, "Acknowledgements," you've reached the end of the book.

*  The person driving in front of you will not be happy if you confuse your windshield cleaner with your high beams.

*  If neither end of the trash bag will open, you might be trying to open the side.

Raining Ridiculous Recipes

*  If it starts raining in your car while you're going through the car wash, your sun roof may be open just a smidge.

*  Before cutting into a pattern it's a good idea to make sure you bought the correct size. Although, even if you hadn't cut into it already, once you unfold it there's no fitting it back into that little envelope, anyway.

*The new recipe you used for dinner may have tasted pretty good, but it included grated apples. Isn't your son allergic to apples?

Alarm and Ack!

*  If your alarm clock stays on after you’ve unplugged it, it is not possessed. You unplugged the lamp.

*  We’d lived in our current house about three years when I decided it was time to test out our Jacuzzi tub (what can I say? I’m more of a shower person). I turned on the hot water, left for a few minutes and when I came back found all sorts of icky dust and whatnot floating in the water. Guess it had been a while since I’d last rinsed the tub out! So I turned off the water, drained the tub, rinsed it all out, and turned on the hot water again. A few minutes later I came to check on things and there was no water in the tub… I’d forgotten to close the drain! Urgh. Okay, one more try. Closed the drain, turned on the hot water and returned ten minutes later to a beautifully filling bath tub. Got myself all ready, stepped inside, and…. *cold* water! Apparently, in my other attempts to fill the tub I’d used up all the hot water. Grumble, grumble. However, I was determined to take a bath, so I waited an hour or so before trying again. This time, perfection! As I finally laid in the hot bath I relaxed immediately… and then turned on the jets. Are you aware that if you haven’t used the jets in a tub for a while they tend to collect disgustingness? And did I mention I hadn’t used this tub in the three years we’d lived in the house? Yup. Within a moment all that disgustingness was swirling and bubbling around me. ACCCKKKKK! I think I’ll stick to showers.

Putting it in its Place

*  The dryer is not the best place for your favorite wool cardigan.

*  You might want to inspect your bucket for cracks before putting it under a leaky pipe and neglecting to check it for two days.

*  I cannot recommend jogging in place while brushing your teeth.

Skirt, Similar, and SUV

*  If your snow skirt isn't fitting quite right, you may have put it on upside down.

*  When purchasing ingredients for a recipe, it is important to note that whipping cream and whipped cream are *not* the same thing.

*  Make sure your SUV's back hatch is closed before backing out of the garage. With your luck it will get caught and cause costly damage.

Silence and Stolen

*  My husband is working nights this week, so I've been trying to get the kids up and ready quietly. After dropping my girls off at school I honked at someone for cutting me off. I immediately felt guilty. Not for honking at the driver (he so deserved it!) but because I'd made a loud noise and was afraid it would wake up my husband. Yes, my husband, who was sleeping a mile away!  Due to my frequent pangs of guilt,  the entire drive home I was continually reminding myself the honk couldn't have woken him up.

*  I have a remote car starter (LOVE it!). The remote has a feature that if anyone tries to enter my car without my remote it will make a ton of beeping noises. For example, if I'm sitting in a quiet church meeting and my husband remembers he left something in the car, when he gets into the car using his key, my remote will go haywire. Good times.
   So I was in Michael's with my girls and my remote started beeping. Someone was trying to get into my car! I told my girls to wait inside the store while I went out to check it out. When I got outside I could see exhaust coming out the back of my car. I figured I must have accidentally turned on the car and that's what all the beeping had been about. I looked down at the remote to see if I could see the cute little animation that says the car is running, but it was too dark to tell. When I looked back up I saw white reverse lights on my car! What the heck?! I continued walking towards my car when it started to back up. Not kidding you! There were these two sketchy looking guys in. my. car! By then I was nearing the middle of the aisle and my car was just about finished backing up. My plan was to plant myself in front of my car to make them stop (in retrospect, that probably wasn't a good idea). I'd just arrived in the center of the aisle and the guys in my car had just finished backing up when I saw *my* car parked two spots away. Oops!

Dropped Dishwasher Dress

*  If you drop your chapstick while running on the treadmill, I would suggest coming to a complete stop before turning around to pick it up.

*  You know you're tired when halfway through loading the dishwasher you start to unload it.

*  When making a dress for your daughter, it is best to measure her when she's *not* wearing a bulky hoodie.

Stop Scary Snacks

*  The tiny stop signs occasionally placed alongside bike paths are not intended for those driving cars.

*  Make sure your cat isn't hiding in your bedroom when you shut the door for the night.  Odds are he'll jump on you moments after you've fallen asleep.

*  If you frequently hide snacks in your oven, remember to remove them before turning it on.

Door, Dessert, and D'oh!

*  If your teenagers won't open their hotel room door even after persistent knocking, you may be pounding on the wrong door. The "Do Not Disturb" sign should have been your first clue.

*  If it is your responsibility to bring plates and utensils to family dessert night, you may want to make sure you have the time and location correct.

*  Instead of sighing with relief that you've finally finished addressing all the invitations for a friend's baby shower, you may be sighing because you've put the stamps and return address labels in the wrong corners.

Plants and Pianos

*  Before getting excited over a new shoot growing in one of your indoor plants, you need to remember that it is a fake plant.

* Oh my heck. Oh. My. Heck! I am often asked to play the piano for various church meetings. There is a cool electronic piano in one of the side rooms we frequently use. You can make it sound like a piano or an organ and it has many of our hymns programmed to play at the push of a button. I've never liked electronic pianos and this one definitely wasn't my favorite. It always had issues with volume control. Sometimes it was a lot louder than others even though I used the same volume setting every time. About three years ago the volume stopped working all together. I would have the volume turned all the way up, but the piano could barely be heard. I had to pound on the keys to make it loud enough for everyone to hear. I asked and asked for someone to come out and fix it and finally, after two months, it was working again. Fast forward to last Sunday. I was asked to play the prelude in a meeting and the volume wasn't working. I had flashbacks to the last time it was broken and knew it would take another couple months before we could get someone out to fix it. As I was playing, a friend came over and asked if I could turn the volume up. I explained that the volume knob was as high as it would go and there was nothing I could do to make it louder. And then she proceeded to point out a foot pedal at the base of the piano, one an organist might use to control the volume. What?! I'd been playing this piano for five years and had never noticed the pedal! This was the cause of all my volume frustrations as it controlled the volume knob I had been using. If the pedal was all the way down then no matter how high I turned the knob, it wouldn't get any louder. And now I'm thinking back to three years ago... how many times did a repairman come out due to my complaints only to find absolutely nothing wrong? Oh my heck! LOL

Mail and the Munchies

*  When sending out Christmas cards from your new home, it's not recommended to use your cell phone number in place of your house number in the return address.

*  If you get yourself a snack for the drive home, you probably shouldn't stow it in the back with the rest of the groceries.

Cailey's Tip

Your bass lesson will go much more smoothly if you remember to bring your bow.

Meetings and Midnight

*  If you're the only one at an 8:30 meeting, it is very possible you got your a.m.'s and p.m.'s mixed up.

*  One night I was awakened by a scratching noise outside the window. Thankfully, I had enough sense to realize it couldn't be an intruder because why on earth would someone scale a ladder 3 stories to break into my home when they could just go through a window on the ground level? But still, it got me thinking about what I would do if there were an intruder in my home... I was home alone, I hadn't set up the phone in my bedroom yet, my cell phone was downstairs, etc. I started making myself a little nervous! As I was trying to get back to sleep I felt something move on my bed... kind-of like a cat moving about trying to get comfortable... except we didn't have a cat. Freaked. Me. Out! I bolted straight up in bed and was frantically trying to figure out what could've made that movement when a hand grabbed my arm! Oh. My. Heck!! I nearly had a heart attack! Took me a solid second to realize it was my husband. Why had I been thinking I was home alone? He had been sleeping next to me the entire time! I am such a dork.

Melissa's Tip

Before freaking out that the bright purple play-doh is missing and moving all the furniture to find it, make sure you aren't holding it in your hand.

Bottles, Babies, and Baths

*  Before giving your daughter a hard time for losing yet another water bottle, make sure it wasn't you who misplaced it.


*  Even if by accident, it is not good form to regift the baby clothes your mother gave you. It is quite possible you will realize your mistake at the very moment she's looking through all the baby's new clothes.


*  If you've scrubbed your daughter's hair for 20 minutes and the colorful hairspray refuses to come out, you may be washing her hair with conditioner.

Shower, Shushing, and... Shoot!

*  The knob in your shower does not work like the knob on your stereo. If you're trying to drown out the noisy children outside your bathroom door, cranking up the knob will not make the water louder... it will only make it hotter. Much hotter.

*  When shushing your child at the store, make sure said child is actually yours.

*  One morning I got home after dropping the kids off at school and realized my garage door opener wouldn't work. Thankfully my husband was home and could let me in. I grabbed my cell phone to call him so he could open the garage door for me (yes, I am *that* lazy) and realized I had left my cell phone inside charging. Shoot. So I got out of the car and rang the doorbell. No answer. Urgh. Hubby must be in the shower. I knew no other doors into the house were unlocked, so I went back to my car to think a while as to how to handle the situation. I was totally kicking myself for forgetting my phone... I could've watched a show or played some games while I waited for hubby to get out of the shower. If it weren't for the fact I hadn't showered yet and was wearing sweats and slippers I would've run to a friend's house to wait out his shower or go to Fred Meyer real quick and get a new battery for the garage door opener... and then it hit me... I had a key to the house!